Bittersweet

If you read my 'life is fragile' post a couple weeks ago,
then you already know why I haven't been keeping up with my 31 days of posts.
Sorry, not sorry.
Maybe I'll try again next month.
We shall see.

A lot has happened since that post.
Hubby spent almost all of his time (day & night) at the hospital by her side
& could tell that his mom was in a LOT of pain.
Although she has had to endure quite a bit of pain over the past 20 years
with her various health problems & surgeries,
there was something different about seeing her in this pain.

They were able to take the ventilator out on Saturday,
which I'm sure helped her feel a little more comfortable
but she still wasn't able to talk much.
When she did try to speak,
it usually didn't make much sense
& it wasn't very easy to understand what she was saying.
Most of the time it was nonsense,
but other times she made perfect sense.

One special time in-particular she said she wanted to go for a walk.
Hubby explained to her that she was in the hospital & was in no condition to go on a walk.
To this she replied that she wanted to walk with her Dad.
Her Dad passed away many years ago,
so Hubby asked her if she saw him.
She said yes.
We believe her.
After all, she was gone for at least 15 minutes.
We wish we could have asked her more about her experience,
but she wasn't exactly in any condition to have lengthy conversations.

The kidlets weren't allowed to visit in the ICU
so I stayed home with them.
Later that night,
a close family friend (that wonderful realtor)
came to visit her in the hospital.
That was the last lucid conversation she had.
Gram clearly expressed to her friend & to Hubby that she was dying.
She asked him if he would be okay.
I'm sure that was probably the hardest question that he's ever been asked.

Some wonderful friends from church were able to watch our kids on Sunday,
so I was able to be with Hubby at the hospital & see her for the first time.
I guess she had a rough night with a lot of pain
because when I got there she had an oxygen mask on & wasn't doing well.
Whenever she was awake,
we were able to talk to her
& let her know how much we loved her.
We weren't able to understand her at all with the mask on
but she was able to shake her head yes or no letting us know she understood us,
& she would occasionally get teary-eyed while we were talking with her.
Those moments were bittersweet.
A couple more of her friends drove all the way from Nashville to see her that evening.
They hadn't really kept in touch over the past few years,
but they had always been like second family to Hubby
so it was great seeing them.

Hubby came home to get some rest that night since he was getting sick.
He already had a scratchy/sore throat,
but stress & sleep deprivation were easily making it worse.
After a decent night of sleep,
he got a call from a doctor at the hospital early Monday morning.
The doctor basically said that Gram had another difficult night.
She wasn't responding well neurologically & continued to have arrhythmia.
The doctor said they could implant a defibrillator to 'kickstart her heart'
to prevent cardiac arrest from ventricular tachycardia,
but didn't think that she'd be able to physically handle surgery at this point
(nor would she want another surgery).
The only other option was to just make her comfortable.

This was probably one of the hardest decisions Hubby has ever had to make.
Gram had a DNR (Do Not Resuscitate) order
but removed it ten-or-so years ago
when she had asked him about his opinion on the matter.
He had always said that he would want the doctors to try to keep her alive...
No matter what.
But his perspective changed after seeing her in such intense pain.
Knowing that if they were to somehow keep her stable,
she would never get her independence back
& would never be her normal self again.
She would be just that...
stable.
We knew she wouldn't want that.
She has never wanted that.
She never wanted Hubby or anyone to have to see her like that.
She never wanted anyone to have to take care of her basic needs.
She never wanted her grandchildren to remember her in a nursing home.
She has had to put up with so much pain for such a long time,
trying to be strong for Hubby,
trying to tough it out so that she could play with our kids,
& trying to just make it through each day.
We could tell that things were different now though.
She didn't have much fight left in her.
So we told the doctor to send her to hospice & make her comfortable.
Then we held each other & cried together.

The hospice staff was wonderful.
They said that sometimes (although not often)
patients actually improve in hospice
since they are comfortable,
they aren't restrained,
& aren't attached to all the monitors.
This wasn't the case for Gram,
although we could tell that she was comfortable.
Ever since they moved her down there,
she was resting & relaxed.
We brought some of her favorite blues cds...
B.B. King
Buddy Guy
& some others
so that she could enjoy some good music
while we were there holding her hand
& keeping her company.

She spent most of Tuesday & Wednesday sleeping,
but something special happened Tuesday night.
Our bishop from church came to visit,
& after talking with him for a while
Hubby & the bishop laid their hands on her head
then Hubby gave her a priesthood blessing.
The room was filled with peace, comfort, & love.
It was incredible.
Shortly after our bishop left,
the nurses came to re-position her.
She opened her eyes for the first time in two days.
Hubby & I got to talk with her one last time while she was awake.
We were able to explain to her that we would be okay.
That it was okay for her to go when she was ready.
That she didn't have to be in pain any longer.
That she would never be forgotten.
That we love her.
That her family & friends love her.
That people that didn't even know her love her.
That people she had disagreements or arguments with in the past love her.
That everyone was praying for her & for our family.
We talked to her for 20-30 minutes.
She would occasionally shake her head,
shed a few tears,
nod her head,
& finally went back to sleep.
Bittersweet.

The kidlets got to see Gram one last time on Wednesday,
(they were allowed to visit in hospice)
although we didn't explain much to them at that point other than that she was sleeping.
Early that evening Hubby went home to shower.
While he was gone I noticed her fever had gone away,
her hands & feet were beginning to get cold,
& her breathing was different.
When he came back we headed to the cafeteria to eat dinner,
then headed back up to the room.
We noticed the cd had restarted so we switched it out with the Great Blues Masters cd.
Her realtor friend was on her way back to visit again
so I figured I would stick around until after she left just in case I needed to watch her son.
Hubby was laying on the recliner next to the bed & was holding her hand.
I was getting cozy on the couch-bed.
We were exhausted.
After about 40 minutes of sweet blues music in the background
we each got really relaxed,
& started to doze off...
We weren't out very long,
maybe 5-10 minutes.
It's hard to say exactly how much time had passed when Hubby woke up,
but he knew instantly that she was gone.
Her breathing had stopped.
All was quiet except for the music.
Everything was still & peaceful.
He woke me up so I could get the nurse.

Gram passed away on Wednesday, October 16th at 10:20pm
at exactly the right moment.
She wanted us there with her when it happened
but was thinking of Hubby rather than herself...
She waited until I was there at the hospital
so that I could be there for him,
& waited until a moment when we were both asleep
so that neither of us would have to see or hear her final breath.
Again, bittersweet.

We held each other & shed a few tears,
but we didn't linger too long.
Although we are sad that she is no longer physically with us,
she is so much happier where she is now
& is not living in constant pain anymore.
Knowing all of that
& having the knowledge that we will get to see her again someday
has made the grieving process much easier.
We are so grateful for that.

Since this post is already lengthy & overdue,
I'll post about the funeral & the wonderful help that we have received later.
Thanks so much for all your kind thoughts & prayers.
You all are wonderful.

xoxo

Two Month Late Update

We've had limited internet access ever since we moved
so I apologize for my ever-so-quiet blog.
We finally have our normal internet access back though so I'm hoping to start posting regularly again.
You probably won't be seeing any Mommy School posts or recipes for a while,
or at least until we get more unpacked & in a normal routine,
but it's good to be back - well, kinda back.

Our CA house had been empty since the end of June.
The last couple nights there were really weird.
Ya know, sleeping in an empty home and all...
We just closed on it though,
so it is a happy home once again.

Yep, that's right...
We found a buyer for our SoCal home!
Right after it was listed,
we had 4 showings in 3 days with 2 offers.
We accepted 1...
The offer was too good to be true
& we are so glad that things worked out the way they did.
We were nervous about the appraisal at first until it was over & we had the results,
but everything worked out fine and we had nothing to worry about.
It appraised right at the price we needed it to.
Afterwards we wished we had listed it higher since it sold so quickly!

Hubby drove four days with Gram (his mom) & Little Dudeman to make it to Indiana the last week of June.
Needless to say, it was a long drive...
Meanwhile, Little Princess & I stayed with Nani (my mom) at her place in Orange County.
We had an absolutely wonderful week spending time with her,
even though she had to work some of the days that we were there...
We went to a mommy & me yoga class on Tuesday which we both really enjoyed.

We also got to spend some time with my grandparents & visited Crystal Cove to see some tidepools & the ocean.
On Wednesday my mom was feeling pretty miserable from a bad cold that was going around
so she stayed home from work, we watched some Bollywood movies, & she got some extra rest.
We went to a Music Makers group with other mommies & toddlers from church on Thursday while my mom was working,
but later that night Little Princess started to get that cold and had a really hard time sleeping.
Friday we went to urgent care to make sure Little Princess didn't have an ear infection
since she had such a rough night and was tugging on her ear quite a bit,
but the doctor said her ears looked fine and that it was just a cold & allergies.
So we drove by the ocean one last time & swam in the pool for a bit before Nani finished work.

You can read all about our flights to Indy & our crazy layover at the Denver airport here...

It's kinda long, so I decided I would spare you & make it a separate post.

You're welcome.

We stayed at a friend's lake house for a weeks until we closed on our house.
We closed on the 16th,
& moved in on the 19th.
Our new home is wonderful (:

We were a little apprehensive since we bought it entirely on faith.
What I mean by that is we didn't get a chance to actually go house-hunting.
We had a great realtor that showed us houses on Google+ using the hangouts feature.
Crazy awesome, right?
But hey, it worked.
We ended up in the school district we wanted,
in a really great neighborhood,
nestled back away from major streets,
yet only 5-10 minutes away from pretty much everything!
Our neighbors & church family are super friendly & welcoming,
there's lots of young kids,
and a lot to see & do in the area.
We can't wait to get more unpacked so that this house can become our home!

Also, my family decided to come surprise us on the 18th to help with the move...
It. was. epic.
I was sitting in our empty home cleaning & waiting with the kids for our truck to come with all of our stuff
while Hubby was at work & Gram was at the lake house.
The truck was scheduled to come sometime between 10a-5p.
The kids were bored, & I was sick of cleaning.
Just as I started thinking how great it would be to have some company, the doorbell rang.
Assuming it was the ABF truck I was slightly relieved,
since that meant that we could leave to run errands then head back to the lake house.
I looked out the window & didn't see the truck - or anyone for that matter.
I then thought to myself...
maybe it was someone from church or a neighbor.
I opened the door to see my family holding a plate of cookies & some sparkling grape juice!
I. was. overjoyed!
That was exactly what I needed right at that moment.
The timing couldn't have been more perfect.
We decided to keep it a surprise for Hubby & Gram...
When Hubby came home for a quick lunch everyone hid in our pantry like a pack of sardines
and I told him that there was a huge spider in there that I needed him to take care of.
When he opened the door, he saw them all standing in there.
He stayed to eat his lunch & chat for a bit before heading out to finish his work day,
then he drove to the lake house to pick up Gram so she could look at an apartment & we could go out for dinner.
When they got to the house, my family was waiting quietly upstairs.
They had decided to sneak down one at a time
then casually start in on conversation as if they had been here all along.
It worked a little too well!
Gram saw the plate of cookies that they had brought & I told her that they were from our new neighbors.
When she asked if they had any kids I said that they had 4 kids, but that they were older...
Two girls in high school & two children that had graduated already.
Their son is in college & their eldest is married with two kids of her own.
(I didn't mention that it was me)
When Gram was looking out our back window & talking with Hubby about our playset & garden,
my sister Abby came downstairs,
washed her hands in the kitchen sink,
then we started chatting away in the background.
When Gram still wasn't turning around,
our sister McCall came down & joined in on the conversation.
We started talking louder & made it a point to call each other by name to make things a little more obvious.
Still no clue.
It wasn't until the kids' Gramma (not Nani, but my other mom, (stepmom)) came down the stairs & started talking that she realized they were here.
It was priceless.
My sister blogged about it not too long ago...
She has a spectacular blog (:
I magma her.
Ya know, since magma is hotter than lava.
Really though.
I love my family & extended family like crazy.

I'll try to post all about our lake house adventures later this week!

SoCal to the Hoosier State

You may or may not have already read that we're moving, but either way, here's the story:
Hubby recently accepted an offer for a job transfer to Northeast Indiana.
That's right...
We're moving from Sunny SoCal to the Midwest at the end of June.
Needless to say, we've been extremely busy packing & trying to get our home ready to sell.
You wouldn't happen to know anyone that wants to buy a house in the SoCal desert near Palm Springs, would you?
Didn't think so.
Drats.

We knew that we wanted to move before Little Dudeman started school, but we honestly didn't think it would be this soon, & we were planning on moving somewhere with a comfortable climate all year round...
We didn't want any more 115+ degree convection oven summers, but we weren't looking for bitter cold winters either.
So why Indiana?
Well, the schools in the Midwest are great & everything kept pulling us back that direction.

A few years ago, we found out that the LDS church was building a temple in Indianapolis & we knew we wanted to go to the dedication once it was finished.

We went to Hubby's 10 year high school reunion a couple years ago.
That was my first time visiting Indiana & seeing where he grew up.
I could see us living there,
in the distant future.

He kept seeing job postings for Indiana, but ignored them since we didn't think we would be able to move out there at the time.

This is where it starts to get interesting...
A long-time family friend that he & his mom knew mailed us something out of the blue back in December.
She happens to be a realtor in Indiana.
They hadn't stayed in touch really.
In fact, they hadn't talked in YEARS.
She had no idea we were in California or that Hubby was married with 2 kids.
She just was thinking about Hubby & his mom and decided to try to contact them.
When we got the mail she had sent we were a little confused as to how she found us & why.
It was a cute calendar from the real estate company she works for.

When he heard that they were building a regional office for his work out in Indianapolis we thought to ourselves yet again, "Why have we seen so many things about Indiana lately?"

We received yet another real estate related letter in the mail from our realtor friend in Indiana.
We started thinking either she wants us to call her or she is desperate for business.
Turns out she didn't know if it was really us & was hoping we would contact her so they could catch up.
We still didn't get around to calling her, because things had been a little busy over here.

Then the job post opened up yet again, & we started piecing things together.
Maybe we were supposed to move there...
So we prayed.
Everything felt right even though we were confused.
So we started looking at houses online & got in contact with our realtor friend.
She's wonderful. (:
Then the company decided they wanted us in a different part of Indiana a couple hours away.
It was hard hearing that at first since we wanted to be near people we knew.
We wanted to be in a more familiar area.
But this would be a new adventure for all of us.
Although it was not where we had originally thought we would be,
we started feeling more & more right about where we were going.

Throughout this moving process, we've noticed a lot of hidden blessings:
Our Disneyland annual passes expired at the beginning of May.
We knew we weren't going to renew them because the prices had gone up $170/person
and we would have to pay for Little Dudeman from now on as well.
If Disneyland hadn't raised their prices that much,
we probably would have continued getting our annual passes every year & never moved away from SoCal.
Bittersweet.
So we set aside money to do Legoland, Knotts, & San Diego Zoo passes instead.

When we found out about the move, we already had that money set aside that we could now put towards moving expenses.

We found YNAB back in December.
It has helped us budget better & save more money for moving expenses
rather than going further into credit card debt because of the move.

We received a check from our insurance company out of the blue.
Apparently we paid too much when my wisdom teeth were removed back in 2011...
More money to help with moving expenses.

We have a bunch of wonderful Young Women in our ward at church.
We have been extremely blessed to have the help from a couple of them that are graduating this year.
One of them needed service hours to graduate early,
and both of them needed service hours to receive their Honor Bee charm.
I get their help & get to see their smiling faces multiple times each week,
they get service hours for watching my kids and helping me pack & clean.
Win-win. (:

I won't miss the excruciatingly hot summers or the high gas prices,
but I will miss a lot of things...

Disneyland

the ocean

warm winters
our big kitchen
DHS mineral water
In-N-Out
Costco

Nani
our ward family
the office staff of our pediatrician & other doctors

all the other wonderful people I've met out here

Although I'm super stressed about how little time we have to get everything done,
and how we don't have a buyer for our house yet,
and how we don't know where we will live when we get there,
and so many other stressful little details about the move,
I truly am excited about our new adventure.

I'm looking forward to...

Culvers
grass
seasons
better schools

making new friends
Hubby being less stressed after work

I know it looks like I will miss more than I'm looking forward to,
but that's part of the adventure that comes with moving.

You never know all the great things in store for your future.
You learn them as you go,
enjoy them while they last,
and embrace them once they're past.
xoxo

Update: We moved