MOPS: Courage to Be a Mom

As I mentioned before,
The theme this year for MOPS is 'Be you, Bravely'.
During our last meeting we talked about having the courage to be a mom.

We started by watching this video about the world's toughest job...



Being a mom.
It's definitely the toughest job in the world.
It's also one of the most rewarding.
I would know...

Being a stay-at-home parent means everything is expected of you,
& nothing is expected of you all at the same time.
It just depends on who you ask.

My children expect everything of me.
My husband only expects me to take care of myself & the kids.
(If I manage to get other things done that's great, but we are his priority.)
Some people may expect that my house would always be spotless since I'm home all day.
Others know that even though I'm a stay-at-home mom my house is rarely spotless
because my children expect everything of me.

We talked about how sometimes society thinks that because we aren't earning a paycheck we aren't contributing to society & that we are simply too lazy to work.
It's quite the opposite really.
Stay-at-homes are very busy people.
Cooking,
cleaning,
paying bills,
running errands,
changing diapers,
taking care of sick children,
helping watch other peoples' kids,
scheduling appointments,
going to appointments,
& thousands of other things that come our way.
It's definitely more work than your typical high school babysitting job (;

We talked about how easy it is to get discouraged
when we are doing 'all the things'
& somehow we still can't manage to get everything done.

Then we realize that our children are growing up before our eyes
so we slow down for a bit & embrace those little moments
only to notice exactly how much we are contributing to society.
We are raising these children to be wonderful adults.
We are teaching them important values.
We teach them:
to listen.
to be kind.
to have faith.
to love.
We are teaching them the importance of family,
responsibility,
& so many other things.
We are teaching them all the things they will need to know in order to get through life.

A couple things really stood out to me during the meeting:
"Today is the day that really matters"
"Motherhood is your worthy calling for today, and you ARE enough."

Although they didn't share it at MOPS,
this video also came to my mind...



"You never know how much good you do."
- President Gordon B. Hinckley -

We broke into our discussion groups
where we talked about how difficult yet rewarding being a mother can be.
We also each received paychecks for a gazillion dollars for all the hard work we do!
For some strange reason by bank won't honor it...
Shucks.

We met back up as a large group then finished off the meeting
by watching this inspirational video about the power of a mother's love...

One last thought...
Someone mentioned this poem in our group & I've always loved it:
I hope my child looks back on today
And sees a mother who had time to play.
There will be years for cleaning and cooking
But children grow up while you are not looking.
Tomorrow I'll do all the chores you can mention
But today, my baby needs time and attention.
So settle down cobwebs, dust go to sleep;
I'm cuddling my baby, and babies don't keep.
- anonymous -

xoxo

MOPS - Be you, Bravely

The theme for MOPS this year is...
Be you, Bravely

We're going to be talking a lot about courage.

I couldn't make it to the first meeting,
but I was able to go last week when we talked about
Courage to Be a Mom

I can't wait to share my highlights with you (:

xoxo

MOPS: Mompetition & Bullying

Last week at MOPS we had another great speaker!
Char Binkley came & talked about
'Mompetition'
(aka competition amongst moms)

She talked about 5 main points.
So I'll go over those first,
then I'll move on to the other random notes I took.

1. Comparison is a human, inborn trait - it's a God-given thing...

It's the way we can tell the difference between good & evil.

2. Comparison is necessary in life - it's a good thing...

It creates choices for us:

We compare prices when shopping to get the better deal.

We compare when we decide what kind of food to buy.

We compare when we decide which clothes to wear each day.

3. Comparison is embedded in our culture - it's a dangerous thing...

It can create:

jealousy

division

negativity

loneliness

feelings of inadequacy

distorted thinking

mental paralyzation

4. Comparison is your choice - that's a hopeful thing...

You're only a competitor in mompetition if you sign up for it.

Don't sign up for it.
Choose to be present with your children...
"Motherhood is not a spectator sport."

5. Comparison is a spiritual perspective - back to that God-given thing...

God is on your parenting team.

He doesn't compare any of us, so why should we?

Society can't tell you what you're doing right or wrong. God can.

The most important thing is to reflect God -- that is your job description in life.

Reflecting God requires being present with your children & husband.

"Just stop it."

Stop competing with other moms.
Remember that it is your choice.

Does the conversation always end up with you talking about your child
whether it be bragging or complaining?

Do you avoid talking about your family
because you are afraid of feeling inferior to the other mom?

Ask yourself... "What does it matter?"

Are you making it about you or are you making it about your child?

Make it about your children.

How do we avoid comparison when confronted in conversation?

1. Don't engage - deflect. (How great! You must be proud of them!)

2. Change the subject. (How great! Crazy weather we've been having, huh?)

3. Tell them that you would rather they try to avoid comparisons.

(Only if it's someone you're close to & you know they wouldn't be offended by you saying this.)

It's easy to feel like other people are intentionally parenting "AT US".
Is that really the case?
More than likely not, but even if they are...
What does it matter?
 Char read us this post titled 'Quit Pointing Your Avocado At Me' from Glennon at momastery.com...
It's well worth the read if you have the time!
I love the part where she says that we're all fighting the same fight on the same team.
There is so much truth in those words!

Be your child's best cheerleader.

Be careful not to give them an exaggerated idea of themselves.

Encourage them, but you don't have to say they're the best.

Don't brag about other people's kids or husbands.

Don't compare yourself to "experts".
It's so easy to do with Pinterest & social medial nowadays.

You never know what struggles the other person may be going through,
so when you catch yourself comparing, ask your Father in Heaven for help...

"Bless her. Fix me."

You can reflect God every moment of every day
to your families
& everyone you meet.

That's it for my MOPS notes, but please keep reading
since I have more to share on this subject...

Michelle from Connecticut Working Moms
so kindly let me share this picture with you on my blog:

It's part of a series of photos
on her 'End the Mommy Wars [Special Photo Edition]' post...
If you haven't seen those photos,
I HIGHLY encourage you to do so!
The pictures cover so many of the topics that moms tend to argue about,
& show how we can make different choices & still raise happy, healthy children.
Such a wonderful message (:

The way I see it, there are two main types of dangerous comparing...

Feeling like you are better than someone else (pride).

Feeling like you are worse than someone else (inadequacy).

I tend to do the latter more often than not...

The other night as I was reflecting about all of this,

I started thinking of a different angle that wasn't really mentioned at MOPS...

Comparing vs Bullying.

It may have been on my mind after reading this post about Bullying at Church
& watching the video at the end of the post...
It really hit home for me because I have been on the receiving end of exactly that.
Sometimes it was intentional.
Sometimes it was unintentional.
It was never physical,
but the comments hurt me just the same.
I like to think that I've gotten over the hurtful comments.
For the most part I have.
I've forgiven those that were mean to me,
but every now & then those comments sneak back into my mind.
I remind myself that I am a daughter of God
& that He loves me...
The only opinion that matters is my own,
& only I have the power to choose whether or not I let those words get to me.

Nobody likes being bullied.

I know I never enjoyed it.

So why do I bully myself?

That's essentially what's happening when I compare myself to others.

Really though.

Why do I allow myself to beat myself up

when someone else simply does things a different way than I do?

It's pretty ridiculous when you think about it.

That's when I have to remember to

"Stop it."

As Dieter F. Uchtdorf said in his April 2012 conference talk,
'The Merciful Obtain Mercy',

It's a wonderful talk
with a wonderful message.
Please read or listen to it.

Stop the competition.
Stop the bullying.
Stop beating yourself up.
You are a child of God.
You are loved.
You are enough.

Remembering these things reminds me that

I don't need to change for anyone.
I don't have to try to get 87,452 things done in one day.
Honestly, I don't want to be supermom.
I just want to be a super mom.
And I am.

Other MOPS posts you may want to check out:
Advice From Experienced Moms
Children & Discipline
Controlling Your Emotions

xoxo

MOPS: Controlling Your Emotions

Before I get into my MOPS notes...
If you haven't checked out my "A Memory Apart" book review/giveaway,
you should check it out then enter to win a copy of the eBook & a $25 Amazon giftcard!
If you've already read the book or romances aren't your thing
you can always give it as a gift to somebody (;

Alrighty, so yesterday at MOPS we got to watch a video.

In said video, Lysa TerKeurst talked about controlling our emotions.

She talked about how difficult it is to do this,

but also how we can learn to make it easier.

Here are my notes:

Conflict happens when we feel either exposed or opposed.

These situations can lead to chaotic feelings.

When conflict occurs, we have a choice right before we react.

Most reactions can be categorized under the following 4 reaction types:

1. Exploders that blame others

2. Exploders that shame themselves

3. Stuffers that build barriers

4. Stuffers that collect retaliation rocks

Our reaction types may vary depending on who we are reacting to.

Child, spouse, parent, friend, acquaintance, church leader, etc...

In other words, we have different reactions with different people.

If you are an exploder that blames others

- This type of exploder expresses their anger in the heat of the moment,
then finds someone else to blame for their emotional reaction.

- Remind yourself to pause before you react.

- Don't attack the person, address the issue instead.

- Ask yourself if you would let someone else see you reacting in this way.

If you are an exploder that shames yourself

- This type of exploder expresses their anger in the heat of the moment,
then later puts a guilt trip on themselves,
making themselves feel terrible for not handling it differently.

- Bring some perspective before reacting.

- Ask yourself, "If this is the worst thing that happens today will it be the worst day ever,

or will it be a pretty good day?"

If you are a stuffer that builds barriers

- This type of stuffer often doesn't know how to address conflict or perhaps doesn't want to.

- Instead of saying "I'm fine" then stuffing your emotions internally,

establish a boundary by continuing to communicate.

- Let go of bottling things up & pretending things are okay.

- Resolving the conflict the right way feels much better than keeping it all in.

If you are a stuffer that collects retaliation rocks

- This type of stuffer keeps things inside when upset to try & keep the peace,
but later lets out each of their frustrations when least expected.

- You may tend to hear something one way that was meant a different way
& stash away false impressions of what happened to use against someone.

- Before reacting, ask yourself if you are trying to prove that you are right
or are you trying to improve your relationship.

Proverbs 18:21

If you want to learn more about the different types of reactors

or just want to improve your communication,

I suggest reading Lysa TerKeurst's book, "Unglued".

Although I have not yet read it,

I heard so many wonderful things about it yesterday at MOPS.
Here's a cool author interview I found about the book...

After watching the video,
we had a little discussion about what we learned.
Sheri Carlstrom is one of the amazing mentor moms in our MOPS group.
That's right, she's one of the wonderful ladies that contributed to the best advice from experienced moms.
I want to share some words of wisdom that she said yesterday that stuck with me.
"It's better to react when you have emotional reserve, rather than when you have nothing."
There is so much truth in those words.

After Sheri talked with us for a little bit, we talked within our little discussion groups.
Another book was mentioned that I will definitely have to check out...
"Boundaries with Kids" by Dr Henry Cloud & Dr John Townsend.
I have a wonderful bunch of ladies in my 'purple group'.
They are always great at listening, giving advice, & just being there.
A huge thank you to everyone who listened to me vent yesterday.
You have no idea how much I appreciated it!
I was able to confront the issue happy & head on yesterday,
& things have been great ever since... (:
You are all so awesome!

In summary, what I learned:
Pause.
Respond instead of react.
Handle the emotions that create the conflict rather than the conflict itself.

Keep in mind that all of my notes above are my own thoughts about what I heard
& they are not necessarily word for word.

I've already put these tips into practice & noticed a HUGE difference.
I challenge you to do the same!

Other great MOPS posts in case you missed them:

Some of the Best Advice from Experienced Moms

Children & Discipline

xoxo

MOPS: Children & Discipline

This past Thursday {Halloween} at MOPS we had an amazing speaker!

Her topic was 'Children & Discipline'.

Now just bear with me for a second.
I know that discipline is one of those topics that people would much rather avoid.
Our speaker knew that as well.
I think she phrased it something like this...
"Discipline is one of those taboo topics like finances or intimacy.
People want to discreetly talk about them & get tips or suggestions,
but they tend to reject or ignore any help that is offered to them on those topics.
We as a society often have a hard time seeing & accepting other people's point of view on things
when those views differ so greatly from our own."

She didn't talk about what's right or what's wrong when it comes to discipline.
Whether spanking is okay or not.
Whether the cry-it-out method is right or wrong.
Whether or not it's acceptable to raise your voice.
If or how long you should put your children in time out.
What should happen if they don't try their food.
Which things to enforce, which things to let slide.
She didn't touch any of that.

I'm an overall passive person.
I'm working on being a little more assertive,
but I tend to not discipline as much as I probably should.
I'm not saying I want to be a Nazi mom or abusive by any means.
What typically happens is that I attempt to correct the misbehavior by asking politely,
then when they don't listen time & time again I get frustrated & upset,
& in my frustration I sometimes give up & let things slide.
I'm human.
We try that time out thing.
I raise my voice from time to time.
There are moments when I cry from exhaustion & frustration.
Parenting can sometimes be tough,
I hear that's normal.
However, I love my kids dearly.
I want them to grow up & to be happy.
I want them to be kind & to love others.
I want them to be great parents someday.
I want them to walk in the light.
So it is my duty as a parent to teach them.
To teach them right from wrong.
To help them learn & grow.
To support them in their righteous endeavors.
To love them unconditionally, no matter what.

Anywho, back to MOPS...
I laughed.
I cried.
It brought me clarity.
It brought me comfort.
It was just the reminder I needed.
I got so much out of what she had to say,
& hope that you'll get something good out of the notes I took.

Here are my notes:
If your children don't seem to be listening to what you are telling them,
chances are that they understand you but are misbehaving for some unknown reason.
Dig beneath the surface to figure out why your children may be acting out.
There is always an underlying reason that you may or may not be aware of.
(ex: attention, trauma, illness, etc...)

Anger & frustration are the easy alternatives to patience & understanding.
If we can be patient in figuring out what is causing the misbehavior,
we may be able to help our children overcome whatever is troubling them.

You have to be a student of your child.

"There is no correlation between a well-behaved child and a good parent."
- Heather Forbes

To discipline your child, is to disciple your child.
In other words, we discipline so that we can make disciples.

We're not raising children, we're raising adults.

If we're only disciplining them so that we can get what we want,
we aren't disciplining for the right reasons
& perhaps aren't loving them the way we should.

Stay curious about your kids.

One of the greatest gifts we can give our children
is to teach them to ask for forgiveness
rather than just say 'sorry'.
I'll have to work on that.
Little Dudeman has a scripted sorry.
He says this EVERY time I ask him to apologize to someone:
"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. I was just playing."
He changes the words 'hurt' & 'playing' depending on what he did.
I have no idea where he picked it up.
It's completely adorable the first few times you hear it,
but it sounds so scripted that I never know if he is actually sorry.

Kids don't listen with their eyes, they listen with their ears.
Ask if they can make eye contact with you,
but don't force them if they say no.
They will still hear you.

When we discipline our children we're teaching them two things:
1. They are not the center of the universe.
2. They are deeply loved & there's a spot for them in your home, but they aren't running the show.

It's hard to find love for God in kid-centered homes,
but it's easy to find love for children in God-centered homes.

Anger is often about shame.
When you are angry with your child,
you're likely ashamed of their behavior.

We reflect on our own lives & try to protect our children from making the same mistakes;
but we are the people we are, because of the trials we've overcome.
We come closer to God by overcoming trials.

4 steps to teaching children:
1. I do it, you watch me.
2. I do it, you help me.
3. You do it, I'll help you.
4. You do it, I'll watch you.
Don't skip steps.

Hebrews 12:5-11
Those scriptures talk about how the Lord chastens those whom He loves.
He does this with love because He does in fact love us, & He wants us to succeed.

In summary, what I learned:
It's okay to discipline your children.
Just make sure you are manifesting God's love when doing so.

xoxo

MOPS: Advice from experienced moms

Yesterday at MOPS we had a mentor mom panel.

We got to learn more about 6 wonderful ladies that have been there & done that with the whole parenting thing.

They answered a bunch of anonymous questions that we had come up with ahead of time.

Most questions were about parenting or marital issues,

they touched a bit on how to deal with difficult in-laws,

and how to cope when you're super stressed & your family lives far away...

Although I didn't think to write the questions down
(and I wish I would have),

I took notes on the advice that I found most helpful or profound.

Here's what I learned from the pros:

Pray often.
Pray for your husband.
Pray for your children.
Pray for their future & for their future husbands.

Stop worrying about cleaning your house today & just play.
You'll truly regret it if you don't.

Don't beat yourself up about things you didn't do this week,
there's always next week.

Write yourself encouraging notes.

Encourage other moms.

When you feel like your husband isn't spending enough time with you or your family
ask him, 'What memories do you want our kids to have about their Dad?'
'What memories do you want me to have about us 10, 20, or 50 years from now?'

Ask these things or address issues when things are going well & you are at your best
rather than when you are upset or frustrated.

Make a gratitude list.
Write about things you are thankful for that relate to your husband
and the work he does for you & your family.

Child swap with other moms for relief

Put God first.
Put your marriage second.
Find time for dates & intimacy.
Keep that spark alive.

Show your children that you love your husband.
Don't be afraid to hug, kiss, & hold hands in public.
Keep it PG though...

The only control you truly have is over yourself.
You have complete control over the way you live your life
and the way you handle things you're faced with.
Whether it be a day-to-day or life changing situation
be a good example
& although you can't control your family or others you associate with,
you can influence them for the better.

There is power in using the words "You're right."
If you seem to be having disagreements with your spouse or in-laws,
find something that they're right about,
and use those words to let them know you agree.

Try to look at things through your in-law's eyes if you don't really get along.
They were raised differently than you & have a reason for their differing opinions on things.
If you want to raise your children differently than they raised theirs, that's okay.
You married their son & already know that they raised a winner,
but it's ultimately up to you and your spouse to choose how you raise your family.

Create networks in your community for support, especially if you don't have family nearby.
There are always plenty of experienced moms that would love to "adopt" you & help you out.

So those were the highlights of advice that the mentor moms gave yesterday at MOPS...
Hopefully you can apply that wonderful advice to your life
or pass it along to other moms that may need it!

I think I might make MOPS highlights a regular thing here on the blog.
Whatcha think?

xoxo

MOPS

When we moved,

we were blessed to move to a wonderful neighborhood with wonderful neighbors.

Seriously... Everyone I have met here has been super friendly.

When talking with my next door neighbor/friend one day,

she asked me if I had ever been in a MOPS group.

photo credit: MOPS.org

I had never even heard of it.

She explained that MOPS stands for 'mothers of preschoolers'.

Twice a month, we meet at a local church for a couple hours.
What happens next is 100% awesome.
You drop the kidlets (MOPPETS) off in age appropriate rooms (yes, infants too)
where they get to play with other kids their age under the supervision of well-trusted volunteers.
Then you get to enjoy the company of other mothers & mentor-moms
while eating a warm homemade breakfast without worrying about...
your kids eating off your plate
while you change a stinky diaper,
refill sippy cups,
give the kids seconds since they're still hungry,
& finally get to take your first (cold/soggy) bite 30 minutes later.
Seriously though...
MOPS mornings are the best breakfasts I've had in a looong time!

So from what I've gathered my first two times going...
you enjoy your breakfast & socialize a bit,
then there's an amazing speaker,
you break off into discussion groups
(smaller groups within MOPS that you're assigned to),
& sometimes there's a craft.
It's a jam packed, yet relaxing two hours without the kidlets.
Because even though you love them,
it's important to have mommy time with other moms.

We also have occasional playdates throughout the month.
Some that anyone from MOPS can go to,
& others that are just with the smaller discussion groups.

Being new to the area,
it has been a great way for me to make new friends outside of church
& get to know other wonderful ladies that I otherwise wouldn't have met.
It's nice knowing that if I'm having any parenting questions or frustrations,
these local ladies are right by my side to help me get through it.
I know that my church family will always be there for me too,
but that just means I have twice as many people to turn to when I need a break or moms night!

xoxo