MOPS: Mompetition & Bullying

Last week at MOPS we had another great speaker!
Char Binkley came & talked about
'Mompetition'
(aka competition amongst moms)

She talked about 5 main points.
So I'll go over those first,
then I'll move on to the other random notes I took.

1. Comparison is a human, inborn trait - it's a God-given thing...

It's the way we can tell the difference between good & evil.

2. Comparison is necessary in life - it's a good thing...

It creates choices for us:

We compare prices when shopping to get the better deal.

We compare when we decide what kind of food to buy.

We compare when we decide which clothes to wear each day.

3. Comparison is embedded in our culture - it's a dangerous thing...

It can create:

jealousy

division

negativity

loneliness

feelings of inadequacy

distorted thinking

mental paralyzation

4. Comparison is your choice - that's a hopeful thing...

You're only a competitor in mompetition if you sign up for it.

Don't sign up for it.
Choose to be present with your children...
"Motherhood is not a spectator sport."

5. Comparison is a spiritual perspective - back to that God-given thing...

God is on your parenting team.

He doesn't compare any of us, so why should we?

Society can't tell you what you're doing right or wrong. God can.

The most important thing is to reflect God -- that is your job description in life.

Reflecting God requires being present with your children & husband.

"Just stop it."

Stop competing with other moms.
Remember that it is your choice.

Does the conversation always end up with you talking about your child
whether it be bragging or complaining?

Do you avoid talking about your family
because you are afraid of feeling inferior to the other mom?

Ask yourself... "What does it matter?"

Are you making it about you or are you making it about your child?

Make it about your children.

How do we avoid comparison when confronted in conversation?

1. Don't engage - deflect. (How great! You must be proud of them!)

2. Change the subject. (How great! Crazy weather we've been having, huh?)

3. Tell them that you would rather they try to avoid comparisons.

(Only if it's someone you're close to & you know they wouldn't be offended by you saying this.)

It's easy to feel like other people are intentionally parenting "AT US".
Is that really the case?
More than likely not, but even if they are...
What does it matter?
 Char read us this post titled 'Quit Pointing Your Avocado At Me' from Glennon at momastery.com...
It's well worth the read if you have the time!
I love the part where she says that we're all fighting the same fight on the same team.
There is so much truth in those words!

Be your child's best cheerleader.

Be careful not to give them an exaggerated idea of themselves.

Encourage them, but you don't have to say they're the best.

Don't brag about other people's kids or husbands.

Don't compare yourself to "experts".
It's so easy to do with Pinterest & social medial nowadays.

You never know what struggles the other person may be going through,
so when you catch yourself comparing, ask your Father in Heaven for help...

"Bless her. Fix me."

You can reflect God every moment of every day
to your families
& everyone you meet.

That's it for my MOPS notes, but please keep reading
since I have more to share on this subject...

Michelle from Connecticut Working Moms
so kindly let me share this picture with you on my blog:

It's part of a series of photos
on her 'End the Mommy Wars [Special Photo Edition]' post...
If you haven't seen those photos,
I HIGHLY encourage you to do so!
The pictures cover so many of the topics that moms tend to argue about,
& show how we can make different choices & still raise happy, healthy children.
Such a wonderful message (:

The way I see it, there are two main types of dangerous comparing...

Feeling like you are better than someone else (pride).

Feeling like you are worse than someone else (inadequacy).

I tend to do the latter more often than not...

The other night as I was reflecting about all of this,

I started thinking of a different angle that wasn't really mentioned at MOPS...

Comparing vs Bullying.

It may have been on my mind after reading this post about Bullying at Church
& watching the video at the end of the post...
It really hit home for me because I have been on the receiving end of exactly that.
Sometimes it was intentional.
Sometimes it was unintentional.
It was never physical,
but the comments hurt me just the same.
I like to think that I've gotten over the hurtful comments.
For the most part I have.
I've forgiven those that were mean to me,
but every now & then those comments sneak back into my mind.
I remind myself that I am a daughter of God
& that He loves me...
The only opinion that matters is my own,
& only I have the power to choose whether or not I let those words get to me.

Nobody likes being bullied.

I know I never enjoyed it.

So why do I bully myself?

That's essentially what's happening when I compare myself to others.

Really though.

Why do I allow myself to beat myself up

when someone else simply does things a different way than I do?

It's pretty ridiculous when you think about it.

That's when I have to remember to

"Stop it."

As Dieter F. Uchtdorf said in his April 2012 conference talk,
'The Merciful Obtain Mercy',

It's a wonderful talk
with a wonderful message.
Please read or listen to it.

Stop the competition.
Stop the bullying.
Stop beating yourself up.
You are a child of God.
You are loved.
You are enough.

Remembering these things reminds me that

I don't need to change for anyone.
I don't have to try to get 87,452 things done in one day.
Honestly, I don't want to be supermom.
I just want to be a super mom.
And I am.

Other MOPS posts you may want to check out:
Advice From Experienced Moms
Children & Discipline
Controlling Your Emotions

xoxo

MOPS: Advice from experienced moms

Yesterday at MOPS we had a mentor mom panel.

We got to learn more about 6 wonderful ladies that have been there & done that with the whole parenting thing.

They answered a bunch of anonymous questions that we had come up with ahead of time.

Most questions were about parenting or marital issues,

they touched a bit on how to deal with difficult in-laws,

and how to cope when you're super stressed & your family lives far away...

Although I didn't think to write the questions down
(and I wish I would have),

I took notes on the advice that I found most helpful or profound.

Here's what I learned from the pros:

Pray often.
Pray for your husband.
Pray for your children.
Pray for their future & for their future husbands.

Stop worrying about cleaning your house today & just play.
You'll truly regret it if you don't.

Don't beat yourself up about things you didn't do this week,
there's always next week.

Write yourself encouraging notes.

Encourage other moms.

When you feel like your husband isn't spending enough time with you or your family
ask him, 'What memories do you want our kids to have about their Dad?'
'What memories do you want me to have about us 10, 20, or 50 years from now?'

Ask these things or address issues when things are going well & you are at your best
rather than when you are upset or frustrated.

Make a gratitude list.
Write about things you are thankful for that relate to your husband
and the work he does for you & your family.

Child swap with other moms for relief

Put God first.
Put your marriage second.
Find time for dates & intimacy.
Keep that spark alive.

Show your children that you love your husband.
Don't be afraid to hug, kiss, & hold hands in public.
Keep it PG though...

The only control you truly have is over yourself.
You have complete control over the way you live your life
and the way you handle things you're faced with.
Whether it be a day-to-day or life changing situation
be a good example
& although you can't control your family or others you associate with,
you can influence them for the better.

There is power in using the words "You're right."
If you seem to be having disagreements with your spouse or in-laws,
find something that they're right about,
and use those words to let them know you agree.

Try to look at things through your in-law's eyes if you don't really get along.
They were raised differently than you & have a reason for their differing opinions on things.
If you want to raise your children differently than they raised theirs, that's okay.
You married their son & already know that they raised a winner,
but it's ultimately up to you and your spouse to choose how you raise your family.

Create networks in your community for support, especially if you don't have family nearby.
There are always plenty of experienced moms that would love to "adopt" you & help you out.

So those were the highlights of advice that the mentor moms gave yesterday at MOPS...
Hopefully you can apply that wonderful advice to your life
or pass it along to other moms that may need it!

I think I might make MOPS highlights a regular thing here on the blog.
Whatcha think?

xoxo